goldarm

THE GOLDEN ARM
A POLITICALLY CORRECT VERSION OF A TRADITIONAL TALE
Modified by John H. Leisgang

In 1945, after the end of World War II, a discharged veteran named Bill came home. He was single and was very lonely. He started looking for a wife and finally found a woman he liked. He dated her for 2 years and finally decided to marry her. She agreed and they were married 6 months later.

Before they were married she had been a very kind, considerate and loving person. Now that they were married she changed completely. Instead of being kind she now was demanding. Instead of considerate she was now self-centered. Instead of being loving she was now rude and cold.

She demanded that Bill give her his entire pay check. Since Bill was a meek and respect filled man he complied. In turn she would give him one dollar for the week to buy lunch and snacks. That started out as enough to buy a sandwich (10 cents), a bottle of pop (5 cents) and a candy bar (5 cents) each day at work.

Every year Bill would get a raise in pay and turn it over to his wife but she never increased his 'allowance'. Everything cost more now and Bill could only buy lunch 4 days a week instead of 5. When prices got high enough that he was going hungry 2 days a week he pleaded with her for more money. She said no. So Bill tried to withhold the next raise to get more money. Somehow she found out about it and punished him by not only demanding that Bill give her the raise but also by withholding his 'allowance'.

They were still driving the car that Bill had when they got married. Bill wanted to buy a different one but she said no. He wanted some new clothes but again she said no. She bought new clothes for herself frequently but poor Bill couldn't even get new underwear until his old stuff rotted off his body. She'd buy him a new pair of pants and a shirt every 4 years.

Needless to say Bill was getting quite angry about his treatment and started to brood about how to solve the dilema. Murder was out of the question because of his faith in God. He could not consider divorce because he didn't believe in divorce. He couldn't move out because she had his finances completely tied up so he couldn't get to any money.

Several more years passed and the car started to really need some repairs. She wouldn't hear of spending money on that old rust-bucket nor would she allow Bill to buy a new car. It all came to a head one day when Bill was driving his wife to the beauty parlor. At a stop sign he put on the brakes only to realize that the brakes had failed. The car went into the intersection where they were hit on the passenger side by a truck. Bill was not badly hurt but his wife had suffered a badly crushed and mangled right arm.

She survived the accident but her arm had to be cut off just above the elbow. Bill and the doctors tried to console her by telling her about the wonderful false arms with which she could be fitted. She would not hear about having just any fake arm. She insisted that her new arm had to be made of solid gold. There was no way they could change her mind so they arranged to have a fake arm made out of solid gold. It took all their savings but she didn't care.

As you can imagine, an arm of solid gold is very heavy, so heavy, in fact, that Bill had to help her by supporting it whenever she had to move while wearing it. This went on for several more years when the strain of all that weight got to be too much for her. She had a stroke and was paralyzed on her right side. Bill now had to care for her so much that he had to quit his job.

After a few months of this his wife finally died. Bill now thought about selling the golden arm and living a life of luxury on the proceeds. But NO!. She struck again. No sooner had her death become known than a lawyer called to inform Bill that there was a will and that the will required that the golden arm be buried with her. Also, any money left in saving was to go to the St. Catherine Home for homeless cats. Even in death she was keeping him impoverished.

Needless to say Bill was very upset over this latest indignity. He managed to get through the funeral but people wondered why he didn't cry. In fact he seemed very angry.

A couple of days after her burial Bill was brooding over that golden arm just laying in the grave and him with no money and no job because of his selfish wife. About midnight it got to be too much for him. He went to the shed, took his shovel and walked to the cemetary (they had not replaced the car after the accident) to dig up the arm.

On the way to the cemetary he noticed some lightning on the horizon. He got to the grave and started digging. As he was digging he noticed that the clouds and lightning were now overhead and a light mist was falling. He got down to the burial vault and managed to get the lid open. There was the casket containing his future. He quickly pried the lid off and noticed, in a flash of lightning, that his wife appeared to be staring directly at him. He almost jumped out of the grave but instead he unfastened the golden arm and threw it out of the grave. As he was climbing out of the grave he heard a rustle of cloth behind him. This frightened him so much the he grabbed the golden arm, noticing that it seemed to be sweating and seemed to have a pulse in the wrist, and ran all the way home. Behind him he could hear some running footsteps.

When he got home he ran across the porch and into the kitchen. He paused to wipe the arm dry and again noticed a pulse in the wrist, stonger and more rapid than before. He then heard footsteps on the porch and the door knob started to turn. He ran in fear to the living room as he heard the kitchen door open and close. The arm was starting to sweat again and the pulse seemed stronger. Not knowing what to do he ran up the stairs and went into the bedroom. He heard footsteps climbing the stairs. Again he noticed that the arm was sweating more and the pulse seemed stronger still. Knowing he was now trapped, he jumped into bed and pulled the covers over his head in an attempt to hide.

The footsteps were now heard approaching the bed. They stopped and he heard some raspy breathing and felt that the pulse in the arm was very strong and it was dripping wet with sweat. Then he felt a hand on the covers. Suddenly the covers were pulled back ....(pause for effect)....and there stood the caretaker of the cemetary. "I tink ya fergets yore shovel back dere" is all he said. He turned and left leaving the shovel.